sheluvstars's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- typing. bllops. i am a strange person. thats what most people notice of me. and thats what i notice of myself. no one likes to be sad. to feel disappointed. no one likes the feeling of rejection/ depression or anything related. but more than half the time [actually more] i am feeling all the negative feelings inside me. feelings that at the end of the day will make me feel so down that i start to cry. i start to hate myself. i start to punish myself by not sleeping and i would just cry and cry when i know crying is bad for the eye. and it is bad for me. most of the time i realise that i put myself in the situation i am in. i wonder each and everyday. am i in this situation cos i want to or cos i have no choice. or what!! i am not sure. no matter how happy i am. or no matter how a person makes me happy. i will still be sad. cos i am so paranoid with everything that is going on around me. so much so i end up feeling so depressed and sad and angry that i couldnt sleep and then i will feel like its no use carrying on with life cos everything is just too complicated and feeling paranoid is not a good thing. me being paranoid is not good. i will start to question everyone's motive and everything. even a simplest yes or no can make me tick. when i am not in a good mood. i will not even bother to check my phone/ switch in on to ringing mode. once i was so pissed off that i couldnt care less about my phone that i nearly lost it. when i am not in a good mood. i will let everyone see the bitchy side of me. even people who dont deserve to see that side of me. why? when i hate someone. i will hate everyone related to him. or i will ignore everyone that is friends with him. i am being unfair. i know. but i dont care. i hate fauzi. so what did i do. i deleted the names of his friends who by chance was my friends too, from my phonebook friendster and msn. and when i feel too depressed. i just want to shut myself out from everyone. i will be too lazy to go out. too lazy to even care about people around me who cares about me. on a lighter note: right now i am okay. i just felt like typing long long rubbish. i am happy. i have a great bestfriend. super kapow grlfriends. trustworthy close friends. and that special someone who never stop me from being myself. muacks~ so to anyone who is not happy with me and who is reading this entry. please go to hell. and don even think about coming close to wreaking my life. if you hate me. i have this strong feeling that i am already hating you. boos~ 11:05 a.m. - 2006-04-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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